Discoveries

Since cleaning up my office, I have found my old book of poems I once kept, like a gospel of my past, on my bedside table. Much of this childish writing is flawed and repetitive, derivative and self-indulgent, and yet I still am rather glad I have it. Each poem opens a window to my thought processes and beliefs as a young adult. Better than any journal, poetry reveals the love affair I had with language, and with images of reason. I guess since I have had time to cull the many layers of product and superfluity I have hoarded over time, it’s appropriate I should have the opportunity to look back on my expectations as a young woman, and see where and how I began.

There are a few poems that I really like though, even now. I’ve decided to put a couple of these into an extended entry for anyone who is interested in the rambling commentary of my youth.


Ache
Early 1989

It first wrenches me as I sit, poring
Over a fountain of Bickering Literature
So that I am frozen,
And Ache is ignited deep within my flesh.

Like fire it begins to creep,
Burning all in its path,
As crackiling and writhing and screaming for
Release, it’s nourishment: a burning child, trapped

In a burning cot, blistering
And boiling in a desert of heat; agonizes,
Terrifies us with its pitiful screams until
Suddenly – it simmers. And the snake of a fire

That slithered and shot its sharp twin-tongue
Out – to lick its kindling – sizzles and dies.
I release my clenched fists
And regard the red crescents pierced into my palms.

Now, a dampness, dankness sets in.
The stone coldness of a corpse’s hand
Grips, and tightens. It throbs,
Petrifying with its icy touch.

The Ache grows, sprouting limbs, bearing
Fruit, gaining weight, violently writhing
And swaying in the icy breeze.
Beating – against a closed door in the darkness.

How will it feel if the Ache is let in?

Three Photographs and a Mirror
September 1990

Four faces eagerly stare back
At me
Narcissus couldn’t want more
To see
Four ages of me, whose likenesses appear
At war.

Bold audacious energy
Stares
From the first face,
Unaware
Of the changes to follow in that determined
Jaw.

Slightly softer, innocence
Peaks
From the second eyes, blush
Red Cheeks
The jaw weakened – determination is
A bore.

Hope radiates from that third
Smooth face
The eyes sparkle, but no longer
Embrace
The sprightly simple innocence that was
Before.

There is no admiration
In
That other face: just a sunken
Chin,
And the eighteen year old desire
Of a whore.

And one day soon that fire
Will cool
And Narcissus will fall into
The pool
And desire will issue from those eyes
No more.

Not beyond youthful
Unsureness
I trace creases in the once
Flawless
Skin, reflecting on Nature’s Tooth
And Claw.

These mirrors that I hold
Before me
Reveal that noone can
Adore me
Because the certainty of aging cuts me
To the core.

The Reader
August 1991

She reads with her eyes open
She cradles the page in her hand
She counts the beats in every line –
She tried to understand.
She knows the language before her
Each letter, each word makes sense.
She feels at one with the author
As she reads with reverence.
Yet she is still the Reader,
And the words she reads are strange
And as she reads the author’s words
Their meanings shall change.
She aspires to the warmth of meaning
Though her author’s thoughts are unknown.
But she will find only paper and ink
And words, as cold as stone.

Innocence
May 1992

The panoramic view is quite possibly superb.
She basks in the liquid warmth of her morning.
Not even the breeze can stir her waking sleep,
Where light plays havoc with the colours in her horizon,
And darkness is captured in her still childish eyes.

Touch her, and she ripples.

Desire darkens the wide-focus view.
Clouds creep over the hollows of her eyes.
Her lips grow dark, her tongue oozes,
The aura droops, the warmth grows feverish.
The midday sun is obscured by smog.

There is a brief eclipse, and she is gone.

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