Roll on 2005

Let me be frank about this. Besides my brother and sister-in-law’s magnificent wedding in April, the purchase of their home recently, and one or two other brief moments of glory for me this year, 2004 has not been a particularly good year for me or my family. And as the year draws to a close, without wanting to go in to much detail, I really can’t quite believe how things just continue to go downhill for me.

In the extended entry to this post, I am probably revealing far too much about my character, but right now I’m going to be cathartic and do it anyway, because it’s the season for reflection – and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

On a brighter note, I did have a great evening with friends yesterday, and I feel extremely blessed to have so many friends and family to love and to spend time with – even if only by text message, email or phone call – when things aren’t perhaps going as well as I might wish. So thanks to all those who have been in contact of late. I love you all, and I’m hopeful that 2005 brings us all much peace, happiness and prosperity.

The extended bit….

I think I may be one of those rather unique people who finds de-stressing stressful. So far this Christmas season, and at the dawn of a new era of my life, I’m only managing an hour or two of sleep per night and I’ve lost three kilos. If I eat much Christmas fare my gut simply rejects it and I feel sick, and when I try and relax and watch the cricket, go for a walk or have a swim, my mind plays horrible tricks on me and makes me think about all the things I really should be doing rather than enjoying myself. Classic anhedonistic behaviour, I know, but I’ve been a perfectionist for most of my life, and I don’t see things changing any time soon.

Of course I’m supposed to be de-stressing. But somehow even this quiet time by myself and without the constant stream of work piling up on my desk, I have created for myself a whole new range of sources of workload in the absence of the one I have had before.

The thing is, I’m not sure that life is going to change dramatically for me, regardless of the change to my career. I’d like for it to change. I’d like it a lot. I’d like nothing better than for most aspects of my life, professional and personal, to be revolutionised. It’s just that I have a sneaking suspicion that I make my own fate, and that somehow, I will muddle on, striving for something out of my reach. Judy Garland was once recorded in a moment of alcohol-ridden weakness, saying that she’d spent her whole life trying to get to that place over the rainbow, and no matter what she tried and how she struggled, she just could never get there. Was horrible to listen to, but it struck me as I listened to the recording that most of us on this earth want the same thing – something more pure, more stable, more peaceful and more free. I guess for me though, while I’d like to achieve all those things, I am glad that at least I have the opportunity to strive for something more. And even if things don’t change in future, I can take some heart in believing that I’m working for others as well as myself. And that in the end, I guess I’m just not wired to ever be truly satisfied with my lot.

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